theory

01
When I think of care, I think of effort. The effort to listen to and understand another. The willingness to learn. To educate oneself. To question. To admit that there are things you don't know about. To recognise that you are acting incorrectly. The willingness to unlearn. To relearn. But also to accept that some places are not meant for you.

02
Where is your body? I had the impression that this body, supposedly my body, had become very distant from me. The effects of over four years of continuous exposure to artificial hormones. More than 1460 days in total. This body feels like it doesn't belong to me anymore, like it's under the control of something else. Failed in an attempt to prevent it. Tried again. It seems as if this body is struggling, struggling to return to itself, myself.

Who is my body? This body belongs to me. This body is me and there is no reason to fight against it. Fight against your own self.

What does my body remember? This body remembers, remembers every one of the pills I have taken. Each day this body, the liver, needed to combat this little thing until my body became accustomed to it. And then, out of nowhere, I quit. And my body remembered it and craved it. Although it knew it's not good. This foreign substance.

03
Who is in the text? The title contains the father and the future son. And at the very beginning there is a quote from Emily Dickinson, a 19th century American poet. A recurring theme is the stars.

What is the text about? I don't know what the text is about, and to be honest, I usually have a hard time interpreting a poem. When reading the poem, I had the impression that it was about a faded memory. Perhaps a faded memory of the father figure as "...yes, you have a country. One day they will find it...". However, that was just my interpretation. Afterwards I figured out that it's about the Vietnam War, among other things.

Where and when does the text take place? As it is referring to the Vietnam War, I would assume that it takes place there and between 1955 and 1975.

How does the text relate to you? I like that the stars are a recurring element and that wherever you are, you can look up at the sky and observe the stars. There is hope in that. Also the quote "Look, my eyes are not your eyes." That kind of made me think that we all have such different experiences.

04
What does suspicion mean? When we are suspicious, we make up stories about someone we don't actually know. However, how could we know that person if we have been taught to avoid them or be afraid of them? This suspicion has its roots not only in education and our own experiences, but also in prejudices that we have received from our parents or our immediate environment. This can happen unconsciously, but that doesn't mean we can't change it.

What does suspicion do? Suspicion puts you in the state or act of suspecting something, having a sense that it may be true without knowing with certainty. But more importantly, the person who is "suspected" is doubting themselves, if they are aware of it. And I assume that most of them are. Because they have been/are marginalised by society without proper justification.

When I started taking the birth control pill at the age of 15, it was a clear thing for me. I had a boyfriend and I was having sex. Therefore, I went to my gynaecologist, who prescribed me the round, small pill within a conversation of less than ten minutes. The same as around hundred million women on this earth. At that time I didn't know that there were many other contraceptive methods.

She put a rectangular package of pills on the table and explained to me that this was the contraceptive pill. I would have to take a small pill at the same time for 21 days a month and safe contraception would be guaranteed. Moreover, this pill would also work against my skin imperfections, which I naturally had on my face as I was a teenager. I was excited and I used to love taking the pill when I first started, especially because for some reason it was considered to be cool to take it. I guess you felt like an adult when you were taking a form of contraception and had control over your period.

For the next four years, I didn't give the pill a second thought. I kept swallowing the artificial hormones regularly and fooled my body into thinking I was pregnant so that it wouldn't produce an egg. I didn't experience any side effects, or at least I didn't notice any, because the development from teenager to young adult is enormous even without this substance. However, after four years I decided to look for another contraceptive and quit the pill, partly because I kept forgetting to take the birth control pill at the right time.

Within a few weeks I noticed clear differences from before. Both externally and internally. My mood after quitting was almost unbearable, I cried, became aggressive, was overwhelmed, doubted myself or was exhausted because my body was really struggling to adjust to hormone production again. I experienced and continue to experience severe fluctuations to the point of depressive episodes. In addition, my menstruation stopped for more than six months, and even then I didn't have a regular cycle. My hair was falling out and my skin was constantly changing between dry and oily.

I had the impression that this body, which was supposed to be my body, had become very distant from me. The effects of over four years of continuously taking artificial hormones. More than 1460 pills in total. This body feels like it no longer belongs to me, like it is under the control of something else. I realised that I didn't know anything about my cycle and my body because I didn't need to. I didn't need to listen to my body because I knew I could expect my period within a few days of swallowing another bright yellow packet (always on Mondays), and that was that. After almost three years, my body is still struggling to return to itself, to me. But there's a real power in listening to your body and recognising the signs. This is something I don't want to miss any more.